Xray Eyeballs – Not Nothing
Kanine Records
April 19, 2011

What It Sounds Like:  Droning post-punk and noise pop with hints of 60s influence.

Not Nothing is the perfect title for this Xray Eyeballs record.  It’s not nothing, they’re correct – it is…something!  Obviously, there’s music coming through the speakers.  But that something that it is, it isn’t good.

Did that sound somewhat confusing?  I hope so.  I’m simply trying to distract you and get extra wordy to avoid having to talk about this monstrosity.

The album kicks off with Crystal.

I can see the comedian Lewis Black sitting on a stool, listening to this intently, trying to find some rhyme or reason for this droning, uninspired piece of work, and why it was ever put to tape.  It plays.  He listens.  At the end, he throws his hands in the air, scrunches his face and bellows, “WHAT THE ____ WAS THAT?!”

I don’t have an answer for Lewis, and I certainly don’t have an answer for you.

Po’ Jam is the worst thing here by far.  Hollow drums.  A snail’s pace tempo.  A vocal delivered by O.J. San Felipe that is enough to make you throw yourself off a cliff to save your from this terrible record.

Drums Not Dead?  I freaking wish I was.

The only somewhat redeeming moments are Big Toe (which starts off with a “Be My Baby” from Dirty Dancing drum intro), and Kam Sing Knights, which exhibit a little more personality and retro vibe.

But the vocals still suck.

And when you have to wait through 75% of the record to find something listenable, you’re already written off in my book.

What kind of a name is Xray Eyeballs anyways?  Are we that emo in our souls that we want ourselves to be dead?  A sweet escape from this miserable, twisted life?

Whatever.

Anything to be released from the confines of this record.

I’m done.

2.5/10

If you had to listen to two tracks:  Big Toe / Kam Sing Knights